Match report:

The team awoke to the chatter of larks in the morning sun and a pleasant rush of excitement and anticipation began to course through the proud players veins.

Tufnell Park was the destination, a quaint venue in North London. The team that presented the challenge of the day were the wise wizards of Wilberforce. Crucial cogs of the well oiled St Johns machine were missing in the form of Terrier Tom Richardson, Awesome Andy Bell and Nine foot high Nick Tilbury. Despite the absentees, the 15 man squad posed a dangerous threat to the Wig Wearing Wanderers of Wilberforce.

The sunglasses-wearing, jazz-loving cool cat of a referee blew the whistle and the game was on.
St Johns lined up in a surprising 4-4-2 formation which was unusual because the manager usually opts for the old 4-5-1 tactic but this time two men were chosen to lead the charge.

Neither team could quite piece together any decent passages of play early on and the most notable incident was goalkeeper Scott “new leaf” Barton’s pathetic attempts at goal kicks. It then became apparent that one of Bartons many problems was the fact that his boot had ripped, making him kick like a woman.

St Johns were soon to have more bad luck when left back Sabatino Ventre, in an attempt to emulate young and spritely Tommy “gun” Richardson, hurtled down the left wing, managing to temporarily pop his ankle out of it’s socket. The game was over for the Italian Stallion. In his place, straight out of channel 4’s Shameless, on came Nierin Jones who was told off by the referee at half time for trying to steal his car.

Soon the St Johns defence were caught out and Wilberforce scored the first goal. Nick Tilbury (who was excellent as linesman) seemed to be the scapegoat for the seemingly handicapped defence, especially Matt “hands on head” Ellis who argued that a flag should have been raised. Perhaps if he had spent less time relying on an offside decision that never was, he could have cleared the ball before the Wilberforce player nipped in and tapped the ball into the net after an interesting mix up in the defensive ranks.

Soon spectators began to notice that St Johns were in fact playing with only nine players. Although the team sheet suggested otherwise, John Werbinski and Ralph Perie Lewis were no where to be seen. Boys, if you are OK please let us know because we are all really worried after you failed to show up for the game.

Aside from the comical goal the first half was as much fun as a 10 year coma and at the break the manager Odusanya spent five minutes laying into the team and then stated how if the team lost today, he would kill himself. This left the players with a dilemma, What was worth more, three points or an end to Odusanya’s crazy tactical decisions?

The second half began as the first had ended – terribly. It was clear to see that the Wiley Wolves of Wilberforce had spot on tactics that oozed experience of how to play on a farmers field of a pitch.

The long ball tactic was effective although unattractive to watch Wilberforce were certainly masters of this move and out smarted the Heart Break kid Dave Michael's and Dave “Pottery” Potter on several occasions. The reason for Potter’s performance may lie in the stories he heard from the uni boy’s exertions to Red Backs the night before which re-kindled fond memories of his finest hour when he was found face down in a puddle of urine in the toilets of the infamous Acton hotspot.

Johan “Tiny Tears” Haynes was possibly St Johns man of the match. Imagine how good he would be if 99% of his energy wasn’t spent on whining at his own players and trying not to cry.

Barton prevented a right royal routing with a collection of spectacular saves. This along with a couple of fumbles provided some entertainment but nothing compared to the hilarity that came from “Coggsy”, a player from the neighbouring match who was a constant source of humour. One memorable incident was when retrieving a football for his team he clumsily tripped over the St Johns mound of bags much to the amusement of the spectators.

At this point, a keen eyed spectator noticed some movement. It was in fact John “lesser spotted” Werbinski who had appeared and began showing signs of extreme aggression. He proceeded to start a completely unprovoked fight with a player looking to take his title as “smallest player in the league”. He sure does have a “short” fuse.

Wilberforce found acres of space in the second half and scored two more lame goals that embarrassed the team and manager alike. It’s probably best for everyone concerned that we don’t go into too much detail of the goals as it is not pretty.

Towards the closing stages Odusanya tried to liven things up a bit by bringing on Tony “Richard” Gear and Jon “Flee floo flee fli” Flint but nothing could save this day from being a disaster.

The final whistle came as a relief to St Johns and Odusanya didn’t end up killing himself after all. Overall it seemed that no one was really bothered during the game and if St Johns are going to have a respectful finish then this has got to change.

Dual match report by, Nick 'The animal' Tilbury & Tommy 'Gun' Richardson.